Thursday, 27 November 2008

Take A Deep Breath..

Take a deep breath is exactly what I said to myself this evening, to help control my nerves as I went into the hairdresser's to book an appointment for Saturday. In fact it was pretty easy and straight forward as (unexpectedly) the salon was empty, apart from the hairdresser herself. So we had a few minutes conversation discussing options for my hair without coming to any real conclusions. I booked to have my hair washed as well as cut and this will give her more opportunity to assess how best to cut it. Probably she will trim a little off the back to help level it up with the sides which are shorter. She knows I don't really want to loose any of the length. As my hair is thick, wirey and curly I think she will want to put some layers in as well to help stop it becoming too bushy. I will have to wait and see how the visit goes.

With my confidence topped up I had to get some timber from the local DIY store. It was dark, quite late and I knew the store would be very quiet so I decided to wear a pair of ladies shoes. They are a proper ladies shoe (UK size 9) with a 2" heel. Quite easy and comfortable to wear and very definitely feminine. I was wearing black ankle socks so nothing stood out from a distance unless someone was specifically looking and noticed the 2" heels. Fortunately the pink toes and heels of my socks were hidden inside the shoes.
Well to cut a long story short, no one seemed to notice anything and all passed off OK and I left the store. Walking out with some 2.4 M lengths of timber under my arm, I really felt that I had managed to reach another milestone - even if it was mainly about my own self confidence!

It had been raining earlier so I was aware of the rainwater puddles and the need to tread more carefully than I would when wearing men's shoes, an obvious but unexpected lesson to learn.


Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Lazy Day

I had a days holiday on Friday and was at home on my own during the day. This presented an opportunity to indulge myself or rather my feminine self.

So, after I got up, I had a long lazy shower, washed my hair and spent the morning dressed up with a black skirt and a cream satin blouse. The blouse was thin enough to show my bra and looked OK. I also put on a suspender belt and a pair of "almost black" stockings. Although I would hardly recommend them as practical when compared with tights, socks etc, the stockings and suspenders do seem to portray the ultimate feminine image. I almost put my knickers on first but then realised how inconvenient it would be with the suspenders over the top, so the knickers went on last! In the afternoon when I had to go shopping I changed my skirt for a pair of jeans and put a pink jumper on. It was interesting that I didn't get anyone looking twice even though I left my coat open to show my pink jumper and the collar/open neck of the blouse.

Later I had to get changed back to my normal clothes as I had to complete repairs to our washing machine in the evening. A replacement inner stainless steel drum, new bearings and seals. Not bad as I have kept the machine going for 24 years! Now it is running again and it sounds really smooth. As I get older and the more my feminine side evolves, the more I struggle to motivate myself to do these jobs. The counter is the real feeling of satisfaction I get when the job is complete and a pile of scrap has been given a whole new lease of life. I hate to scrap out anything which can be repaired, it just seems so wrong.

Although I had changed back to normal clothes in the late afternoon, I kept the stockings and suspenders on underneath my jeans for the rest of the day. They didn't really show unless someone looked closely at my ankles. The whole day was another small confidence booster in trying to understand and define the gender boundaries here where I live. So much is gender polarised in terms of colour, style etc for no apparent reason other than tradition/expectation and without any real foundation in necessity. Fortunately I don't live in "Red Neck" territory I am glad to say, so I don't have any threat of physical abuse to worry about if/when I don't conform.

My next hurdle will be an appointment with the hairdressers in the next week or so. My hair continues to grow longer and is getting a little ragged. My target is to have my hair washed and a slight trim to remove any raggedness, also to discuss shortening the back a little to even up the length.

All small steps but definitely continuing to progress along my road to "who knows where".

While I am feeling good with myself having had the opportunity to exercise my feminine side, I was saddened to hear that a good friend is struggling alone with a very heavy burden of family responsibilities and health issues. I wish I could provide more comfort and support in her time of need, she certainly deserves it.


Monday, 3 November 2008

Autumn has arrived!

The snow has gone but the colder weather seems to be here to stay for a while. I hate the damp winter weather here in the UK. The cold is so much more comfortable and bearable when it is dry rather than damp. Putting the clocks back 1 hour from summertime to GMT doesn't help as it really makes it feel as if winter is starting,

Well the structural repairs to my daughters car are done. I need to touch up the paint a little on the edge of the wheel arch where the wheel had rubbed against it. I have removed the plastic liner so that I can access inside and outside of the wheel arch and paint both sides. When I have finished painting I will cover the underside of the wheel arch with waxoyl rust preventative before replacing the plastic liner. Not much more that I can do in terms of rust prevention - a necessary precaution here in the UK because of the damp climate. After any bump the seals between the body panels get cracked allowing the damp to penetrate and rust to start, so I need to do something. I also need to replace the wheel. After the impact she had I do not feel comfortable in using the old wheel again. It is alloy and might be buckled or have a hidden crack which could give way in use and at speed. So, I have bought a second hand replacement from eBay. Problem is that the only matching style was pick up only and 100 miles (160KM) away. Fortunately it is reasonably near to where my mother lives and I am planning to visit her this coming weekend, so I will work in the collection as part of the trip and save a special journey. I just checked out the address of where I have to go and used Google Earth to dry run the journey to the pick up point. Google Earth must have been updated as the detail is now awsome. I actually feel as if I have driven the journey and know all the local roads around the pick up point.

As I wrote in my last blog, I have been thinking about how I would like to style my hair ready for when I go to the hairdressers at the end of the month. Over the last six months I have progressively moved my parting up to the centre of my head but have come too the conclusion that it is better about 1inch (25mm) to the left of the centre. The comments on my last post where quite accurate and objective in pointing out some of the potential problems with a centre parting and I never felt comfortable with it there. The new position seems a good compromise, looks fine and is still much more androgonous than when I had a traditional male short back and sides. As my hair grows longer I think that it is becoming easier to manage, with the extra weight helping to pull it downwards so it no longer seems to be trying to grow outwards.
I think I will just go for a very slight trim to help level up the length and remove any raggedness. I will also have my hair washed and this should give me time to discuss future options with the hairdresser while giving her more time to assess my hair and what she thinks that she can do with it.

For the last few weeks I have been using a small amount of mascara and lip gloss when I go to work, just enough mascara to darken my eye lashes as they are naturally very fair. Last weekend I found some clear mascara which is fun. I can use it much more openly as it doesn't really stand out or show and it makes me feel good when I know that I am wearing it and pushing the boundaries.

Lots of little things which are continuing to carry me along my journey on the road to I know not where.